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20 ways in which I am better than Jesus

Some people think that your Higher Genius wants you to be more like Jesus and there is considerable pressure to be as spiritual as Christ.  Now there are loads of ways that Jesus is better than me, but in several areas,  I can claim superiority.  You can make up your list.

  1. I can eat bacon. I always feel sorry for anyone who has not experienced bacon because their religion forbids it. Jesus was Jewish, so bacon was right out.
  2. I am alive (for now). Jesus for all his qualities is famous for dying whereas, if I have any fame, it is because I am alive.
  3. I exist. No one can doubt that Nick Farrell was a conspiracy of the Roman Empire to declaw Jewish nationalism or that I was made up by other writers. There are no contemporary accounts of Jesus, while there are lots of posts telling me to fuck off.
  4. No one tried to fuck up the planet, gas Jews, incite racial hatred, steal another person’s country or repress women in my name.
  5. None of the following Jesus fans has said they were inspired by me: Donald Trump, Oliver Cromwell, Peter James Knight, Eric Robert Rudolph, Jim Jones, Ferdinand II or Tomás de Torquemada, and Justin Bieber.
  6. No one who has followed what I have written has felt the need to burn down any church, synagogue, or mosque because they know I would be pissed if they did.
  7. Jesus never blocked racists on Facebook, but a chunk of his followers are racists who need to be blocked.
  8. Jesus never built his PC
  9. Jesus moved further than a 15-hour drive from where he lived.
  10. Jesus never wrote a novel (or at least got one published) or started a movie theatre when he was 12.
  11. Jesus could not get his driver’s licence.
  12. Jesus never tasted a proper pizza.
  13. Jesus never flew on an aeroplane or drove over 100 miles per hour.
  14. Jesus never updated his passwords.
  15. Jesus allowed his followers to genocide the inhabitants of the Americas.
  16. Jesus’ most successful group of followers think it is OK to sexually molest children and that women should give birth even if it kills them. No-one I know has ever done that.
  17. If I make a promise that I am going to come to an event, I will reliably show up. Jesus promised he would come back 2000 years ago, so I think it is safe to say he is not coming. I have never been 2000 years late for anything I promised to show up at.
  18. MOAA members would never feel the need to burn Rome to make sure I came back after leaving.
  19. Jesus was never fired by the Queen for having a sense of humour*.
  20. Jesus never wrote a FrontPage lead story for a national newspaper.

My point is that everyone has their destiny and personality.  They will do things that they think are important,  being someone else is never a good idea, even if you think that person was a God.

 

*My newspaper laid off journalists and I was out of work doing joke jobs. I got a computer gig for Windsor Castle. They had just bought this flash IBM PC, and I was building their souvenir shop database.

I was good at it and soon was able to spot flaws in the system that IBM had developed. One such flaw I showed my boss was that if I accidentally hit a button (which was dead easy to do) order for ten souvenir cups became 10,000. Her answer to that was to coolly point out castle staff did not make that sort of mistake.
Things did not go well from day one. We got fax which they stuck on my desk because they were too frightened to touch it (we don’t want a repeat of the printer incident). But it was a plastic Amstrad, and I was overheard to say to a supplier “You can send me a fax, but I don’t fancy your chances this one is steam driven.”
My next issue was an old dot matrix printer which was borked and wasted an afternoon getting it to go again (because of the reason it needed to be fixed no one was going to print it). I got it working, but there was swearing involved.
The next day I was called into the boss’s office, and she told me “it was not going to work” and I was asked to leave. Not being particularly worried (the job paid the same as the dole) but since I had sorted out a lot of their issues, so I asked why.
“We don’t think you fit in; we don’t appreciate your sense of humour.”
I thought that was a brilliant reason to be fired from a place like that, but she refused my request to put it in writing.
I got my own back. When I was a reporter, I had a brilliant story. Some poor local small business was going to go under because the Royal Presentation Office ordered 10,000 souvenir mugs by mistake and had sent 9,990 of them back and company could never sell them. So I went back and asked her how she had ignored a warning about this issue two years earlier.

4 thoughts on “20 ways in which I am better than Jesus

  1. I’ve only tasted real pizza in your company Nick SO HOW CAN I BE SURE THEY’RE REALLY REAL?

  2. 1. Jesus declared all foods clean Mark 7:19

    2. But you will die… and, while some religious zealots will die for what they believe is true, I don’t know anyone who would die for what they KNOW is a lie. So, the persecution by the Romans in the 1st century would be a strange one indeed if He didn’t rise.

    3. See 2

    4. Maybe, but if they did it would hardly be your fault.

    5. Same as 4.

    6. Same as 4 and 5 ( kinda redundant… )

    7. See 6,5 and 4…sheesh!

    8-14. Meh…

    15. See 7,6,5 and 4. smh

    16. See 15, 7, 6, 5 and 4.

    17. A bit silly. There is no account of Jesus saying He would return 2000 years ago.

    18. Speculation… but, see 16, 15, 7,6,5, and 4.

    19. True

    20. True, but will your words be remembered 2000 years from now?

    1. 1. That was Mark’s interpretation of what Jesus said (it is even in brackets). Had Jesus meant that and the interpretation is really weak, then he would have been a heretic. Had Jesus actually said that there would have been no dispute in the early church when Paul watered down Jesus’s teaching to make them more palatable to the Greeks (who liked their bacon). In fact both that and circumcision hacked off Peter and the Jewish apostles
      2. Yep and then that clause will not be valid… but right now it is.

      17. “For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and will then repay every man according to his deeds. Truly I say to you, there are some of those who are standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in His kingdom.“ (Matthew 16: 27, 28) That was Jesus apparently saying that he was going to come back in the life time of those living 2000 years go.
      20. We cannot be certain that Jesus’ words are those which were said so there is no real proof we are looking at Jesus real words anyway (if he really existed) True we are still talking about someone called Jesus Christ (Ironically not his real name) and humans are unlikely to be talking about me in 2000 years time. But if anyone wants to look me up they can find me and they will know exactly what I wrote and said.

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