I could not resist. It is just a gag guys, but there are moments where the latest GD debate does sound a bit like this
Dead Parrot
The cast:
- PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters a shop.
Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: ‘Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean “miss”?
Mr. Praline: (pause)I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We’re closin’ for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Magical Order what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Golden Dawn…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Order when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.
Owner: No no its not dead, its, its restin’! Remarkable order, the Golden Dawn, idn’it, ay? Yeats was a member!
Mr. Praline: The Yeats don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! its resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if it’s restin’, I’ll wake it up! (shouting at the cage) ‘Ello, Golden Dawn! I’ve got huge number of temple members for you if show any magical ability at all…
(owner hits it with a large door stop copy of Regardie)
Owner: There, it moved!
Mr. Praline: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting it with a large door stop copy of Regardie.
Owner: Golden Dawn responds to Regardie
Mr. Praline: No it doesn’t Regardie thought half the rituals were crap
Owner: no he didn’t…
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO GOLDEN DAWN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your SECRET CHIEFS CALLING!
(Takes Golden Dawn and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that’s what I call a dead order.
Owner: No, no…..No, its stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin’ up! It takes magical orders to ages to wake up.
Mr. Praline: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That Order is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged initiation.
Owner: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for the Westcotts.
Mr. Praline: PININ’ for the Westcotts?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did my group fall flat on its back the moment I got ‘it home?
Owner: Golden Dawn groups are supposed to do flat rituals! Remarkable order, id’nit, squire? Yeats was a member you know!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that order when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been looking alive in the first place was because you had stuffed it with lots of rationalisations.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o’course I stuffed it. If I had not stuffed it would have nuzzled up to the bars of reality, bent ’em apart with its higher knowledge and VOOM!
Mr. Praline: “VOOM”?!? Mate, the Golden Dawn wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million volts through it! Its bleedin’ demised!
Owner: No no! its pining!
Mr. Praline: ‘its not pinin’! ‘its passed on! This Order is no more! It has ceased to be! ‘its expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘its a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t stuffed with half baked rationalisations it would be be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘its off the twig! ‘its kicked the bucket, ‘its shuffled off ‘its mortal coil and gire, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! Its Secret Chiefs have abandoned it. THIS IS AN EX-MAGIC ORDER !!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of 19th Century Magic Orders.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: (pause) I got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it provide a detailed grade structure from Malkuth to Kether?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
Sketch continues into the Lumberjack Song.
